A Rant cont. (Please see previous entry first)
2010-06-23
Upon further consideration. I have amendments to make. They may be stated out of anger, but most of this rant is.
I have existed my entire life for myself. I got by. I did what I needed to survive. I'm tired of just surviving. I put everything off and put masks up. I put everyone off. Let nobody in. Let myself only impact them. Only hurt them. Not let them hurt me. Because I was tired of being hurt. I was tired of being left behind and forgotten. A girl can only take so much. And I took it, and more. So, so much more. Do you know what I've been through? Do you know what I've put myself through? It is no excuse, but it offers explanation.
I am tired of only existing for myself. Is it wrong to want to share this with somebody? To unburden myself? To want somebody to witness all that I go through? To sanctify my sanity? To want somebody to verify that all that I am is real? That I don't want it to be somebody I don't know, I don't want that. I want somebody I love to care. I want somebody that I am willing to give it all to, to feel the same way. Is it wrong to want them to want this too? I want to create a sanctuary for them and them for me. If you don't want this, then speak up. If you can't take it, speak up. I'm sorry if you can't take it all. And I'm trying so hard to give it to you. Because I want somebody else to share this with me. I want somebody to understand and know everything. I want to know that I am okay. And normal. I want somebody to help me. And I'm calling out for help.
If you've done anything for me, you've shown me that wanting all of that is okay. Maybe not to drag only one person through it all, but I can't do this more than once. I can't split myself to save another. I'm an all or nothing girl, as you've experienced so many times. When so many have left me and betrayed me, how could I really trust somebody else? I'm sorry you have to fill the shoes of my parents, of all the friends I should have had, of everyone that everyone else has, that I seemed to miss. I've never had them. And I'm only sorry that you've had to take their place. I realize it's a burden unlike any other... I'll try not to ask any more of you. I've never had anyone listen, can you blame me for telling you everything? Or at least trying? Can you blame me for wanting you? And taking advantage of you? And your cares for me? You gave me fire. You gave me everything I ever wanted but didn't dare ask for.
I have always only had me. Since Dodie died, at least. But even before then. I found solace in her, but I could not tell her things. I could not tell her what I was ashamed of. To this day, I have secrets that want to be let out. And I'm sure I will tell you them, then ask you to still love me. And not understand when you do. My parents let me govern myself. And the friend thing, like I told you, just never really happened to me. Not deeply. Not truly. Not where I wasn't used.
You are the only one who has treated me like an equal. I will be eternally grateful for you for that. You will always mean so much to me for that. So Kameron, if you take anything from this two pages worth of rant, take this:
I want to share everything with you. You see that as my being selfless, not selfish enough.
Know that I love myself, that I respect myself and that I value myself. Not in a small amount either. I love myself enough to let myself love you. That is huge. So huge for me. Let alone the fact that I love myself enough to let you love me. Even bigger than anything in my life. I respect myself enough to do what is needed. I know when to back off and keep myself clear of harm. From others. I respect myself in that I am honest with myself. I find that I am. I try to keep myself level headed and down to earth. However, I value myself enough to let those compliments really get to me. To let everything really get to me. The good and the bad unfortunately, but mostly the good. As much as it seems like the bad. Most of that is on the surface, and not entirely deep down. I value myself enough to let myself get big headed and cocky about things. But I respect myself and others enough to keep it in check.
I love myself, Kameron. I love myself enough to let you take care of me. I know that I need it. I know that I am hard on myself sometimes... I know you think I am nearly all of the time. I'm not. A lot of that isn't necessarily deep convictions. Much of it is fleeting thoughts that overwhelm me. Things I want somebody else, you, to reaffirm or prove wrong. I don't know what it is. I don't know where it comes from. I just know that a lot of the times, I know that it isn't real. I know that I'm doing it for some reaction, whether I know what it is or not... I can't stop once it has started. It is why once you fight a little bit, I will falter, because I know that I'm lying to myself. I just don't know why it starts. It is like starting a fight to just piss somebody off. Only I don't know what it is. I don't do it to hurt you or to hurt me. Maybe I do it to prove to myself that you'll stay. That you care. I don't know what it is, but I bet it's something like that. I put myself through it to see if you'll stay. I don't know.
I really don't know why I drag you through hell. Just know that those fits are just a phase. I'll grow out of it. Especially because I know, I know how much you love me and that you wanna stay. Maybe some part of me just tries to believe that you won't. So I test you. A small part of me doesn't believe I deserve you, but I know I do. I know I do. I know too that I need your pushes. No matter how much I hate you for them. Although, many of them hurt and are like rubbing salt on wounds.
I know I want you to stick with me. I want you here. I want you everywhere and always. And I know that I don't need you, but I want to. I also know that I do need you but don't want to. As messed up as that is. The latter is the smaller part. The growing part. The hard part. The fighting part. The sometimes smothered part. I want to need you. I want to not need you. I think I don't know what I want. I just know that I love you. I do, I do, I do. Unlike anything ever before. And probably since. I just hope there isn't an after.
You've hit me in a rough spot. Just bear with me. Just don't let me go. I'm in a flux of adjustments. Of letting myself be accepted and letting you in. Of letting go of some of my own self. Of trying to let others in. Of trying to need others. To want others. I love you. You're doing a hell of a job with dealing, thank you. Just don't generalize me. Or you'll get crazy rants like this. ;)
-yours truly at 9:52 p.m.
